Creep.

Sometimes I just want to yell, "fuck off." 
Just fuck you and fuck off.
I don't really want to say it to anyone specific. I just want to cry it to the wind and let the sound waves impact the first soul it finds. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry with myself. 
All the time.

I don't care if it hurts,

I want to have control,

I want a perfect body,

I want a perfect soul...

I just want him to call me pretty. I want him to see me. I want him to see my dimpled thighs. I want him to see where the sun has kissed my skin and where it has not. I want him to see my split ends and my overgrown roots. I want him to see the stretch-marks, the scars, the blemishes.
Just see my imperfections. Call me pretty in spite of them.
I dare you.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here...

I don't belong here. 

A larger part of me wants to be shunned. I know I deserve it. I deserve to be punished. I torture innocent people. I walk all over their hearts. I am a bully. 

"Who is it you want to be?" 
"I want to be sweet and thoughtful. I want to be courageous and confident. I don't want to fight with people. I want to be easy." 
"Okay, so be that. Problem solved. :)"

But it's so hard to be that when I've been this for the past 17 years.
Angry. Bitter. Mean. Cowardly. Selfish. Ugly. 
Fuck you. 

Yours until the pigs fly,
Alessondra Marie