I feel like my hermit crab trying to climb out of my cage. I climb the walls, bite the fence, sit on my house, do all that I can to try to escape, but I can't get out. I might get to the highest point in my cage, but when it comes down to it I'm still stuck; not able to exercise the ability of adventuring out.
I obliviously climb higher and higher. I think I'm getting somewhere, but then something happens to shake me off the walls. It makes me realize that I'm caged in.
I thought I gained the ability to wear my heart on my sleeve. I thought I grew up so I could tell people when I'm hurting. But instead of that, I realize that all I am capable of is the hypocrisy of pointing out your flaws.
I'm never moving forward. Just trying to push you ahead.
I mean well, honest.
I can not fix you.
But should i try?
How do I even try without making you feel judged?
I don't even want to try.
I have to get my own shit in order.
That's what you don't get. I'm just as fucked up as you are.
Lost, insecure, hurt, afraid.
And yeah, like you, I have absolutely no reason to be that way.
"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours." Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Yours until the pigs fly,
Alessondra Marie
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
3 Rounds and a Sound
I'm currently making a pumpkin pie. I'm waiting for my pumpkin to get steamed.
I named my pumpkin Jimi. I'm not sure why. It just seemed appropriate.
Unfortunately, Jimi's slaughter (I had to cut him into 5ths) may be in vain. I have no clue what I'm doing.
Aside from being lost in my pumpkin pie making, I'm lost in nearly everything I do.
Writing doesn't even make sense to me anymore. Which is why I haven't posted anything lately. Don't get me wrong, I have been writing. I just haven't written anything worth posting lately.
Even though I lack inspiration, I try to write because thats what a writer does. We write even when we can't think of anything to write about. How could I expect to be a better writer if I don't push through the times that'll teach me the most? That'd be like giving up on God as soon as the emotional high of the Holy Spirit wears off. But let me tell you, writing is usually the only thing that makes sense to me all of the time. So when I get writers block, it's like my whole life spirals into chaos.
Although not always enjoyable, I do have a life outside of writing.
I went to a concert on Sunday. It was one of the best concerts of my life. It wasn't a high energy concert, so no, there was no moshing. But that didn't matter. I don't like moshing anyway.
We were right in front of the stage. I'm relatively certain Israel looked straight at us. Being the dumbfounded fan-girl that I am, I gawked at them during their finale. It was pretty amazing. They came off the stage with us. They performed their last song completely unplugged. The whole audience on the floor fell onto their bums because that's what the band wanted. Like children, we sat criss-cross-apple-sauce in front of Blind Pilot, and listened to them play what was clearly their most meaningful song. Fortunately it was the best performance I have ever seen. Unfortunately, I will never be able to listen to the song the same way. After you sing a song with the artist that wrote it, you can't listen to the damn thing without remembering how much it meant to them. Seeing it performed with such care didn't quite taint it or ruin it, but it certainly changed my perspective of the song.
It baffled me, how much respected their music. That's the way a performer should be.
One day, I hope to learn how to respect my music. I'll eventually create songs. And when I do, I will respect it my music much as Blind Pilot respected theirs.
I will never perform for the love of performing, but for the love of the music, and the love I have for what my music is for.
I hope this suffices for the lack of posts I've done lately.
"Now I see you, 'til kingdom come
You're the one I want
to see me for all
the stupid shit I've done
Soil and six feet under,
Kept just like we were
Before you knew you'd know me
and you know me
Blooming up from the ground
3 rounds and a sound
Like whispering "you know me.
You know me."
So this was our song
This was our song.
I still see the lights
I can see them"
Yours until the pigs fly,
Alessondra Marie
I named my pumpkin Jimi. I'm not sure why. It just seemed appropriate.
Unfortunately, Jimi's slaughter (I had to cut him into 5ths) may be in vain. I have no clue what I'm doing.
Aside from being lost in my pumpkin pie making, I'm lost in nearly everything I do.
Writing doesn't even make sense to me anymore. Which is why I haven't posted anything lately. Don't get me wrong, I have been writing. I just haven't written anything worth posting lately.
Even though I lack inspiration, I try to write because thats what a writer does. We write even when we can't think of anything to write about. How could I expect to be a better writer if I don't push through the times that'll teach me the most? That'd be like giving up on God as soon as the emotional high of the Holy Spirit wears off. But let me tell you, writing is usually the only thing that makes sense to me all of the time. So when I get writers block, it's like my whole life spirals into chaos.
Although not always enjoyable, I do have a life outside of writing.
I went to a concert on Sunday. It was one of the best concerts of my life. It wasn't a high energy concert, so no, there was no moshing. But that didn't matter. I don't like moshing anyway.
We were right in front of the stage. I'm relatively certain Israel looked straight at us. Being the dumbfounded fan-girl that I am, I gawked at them during their finale. It was pretty amazing. They came off the stage with us. They performed their last song completely unplugged. The whole audience on the floor fell onto their bums because that's what the band wanted. Like children, we sat criss-cross-apple-sauce in front of Blind Pilot, and listened to them play what was clearly their most meaningful song. Fortunately it was the best performance I have ever seen. Unfortunately, I will never be able to listen to the song the same way. After you sing a song with the artist that wrote it, you can't listen to the damn thing without remembering how much it meant to them. Seeing it performed with such care didn't quite taint it or ruin it, but it certainly changed my perspective of the song.
It baffled me, how much respected their music. That's the way a performer should be.
One day, I hope to learn how to respect my music. I'll eventually create songs. And when I do, I will respect it my music much as Blind Pilot respected theirs.
I will never perform for the love of performing, but for the love of the music, and the love I have for what my music is for.
I hope this suffices for the lack of posts I've done lately.
"Now I see you, 'til kingdom come
You're the one I want
to see me for all
the stupid shit I've done
Soil and six feet under,
Kept just like we were
Before you knew you'd know me
and you know me
Blooming up from the ground
3 rounds and a sound
Like whispering "you know me.
You know me."
So this was our song
This was our song.
I still see the lights
I can see them"
Yours until the pigs fly,
Alessondra Marie
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