Notice Me.

There's a new constant buzz in my ears due to my broken headphones. I've missed the slight murmur of casual chit-chat that lines Gregory Alan Isakov's lullabies. I forgot how my chai gets cold and my water turns warm. 


I used to stare down the best looking guy until he noticed. Then I would blush. But I've grown out of that. (For the most part.) I'd wonder if I'd ever find my prince. The one with the looks, the intelligence, and the love that i deserve. 

I took a minute to close my eyes and reflect:

Life itself is the most wonderful fairytale. 


Fairytales have always been an option in my mind. I've always looked for the magic in the world. I was the kid making up the adventurous games; creating poems to recite; learning about fairies and how to identify them during recess. I'd get my friends in trouble because I'd venture past the boundaries of the school when we weren't supposed to. 

But time taught me that Santa was nothing more than a far fetched fantasy. 

Adventure didn't exist in the way I needed it to.

I get the attention of my prince with no problem at all. But my immaturity and selfishness always manages to get in the way of my ability to love. I become clouded with angst and frustration.

I've lost the ability to create a new adventure or fantasy.

Despite the unmistakable rejection, the desire to seek out the impossible is constantly tugging at my heart. I feel like the character in the book that sits around waiting for years and years praying that something exciting would happen. 

Because of this, I understand why people decide to make bad company; we want to witness something worthy of controversy. The stink of cigarette smoke that never leaves our curls; the fragrance of booze purging through our pores; the desperate acts we do just to be noticed. 

Although a fantasy for some, it's a nightmare that is far from my happily ever after. 

So I'll open my eyes, count my blessings, and make the best out of the bored life that I've been given. 

Yours until the pigs fly, 

Alessondra Marie

Childish Expectations

When I was younger, I wanted so badly to be an adult. I was a mere thirteen, begging to be recognized. No one validated my fears or desires. Not to say that I was neglected. 
Because I wasn't.
Not by any stretch. 


But anxiety drowned out my voice. I wanted to be older just so I could be heard. 


And here I am. Sixteen. 
Responsibilities are handed to me. Without question, I'm expected to meet nearly unfair expectations. 
And of course I can. I usually just don't want to. 


I am not an adult. 
I'm a child stuck in this body that grows and learns far too fast for my heart to keep up. 


Unfortunately I can't slow it down. Life keeps going...


Yours until the pigs fly,
Alessondra Marie

Your Strengths Are My Weaknesses.

I miss you, you know. Your laugh, your smile. The way that you're always falling apart. but yet you're always keeping it together. 


I often remember that dark rainy night we spent in your abandoned house. 
The way I knew that no matter what happened to you and him, you'd always be my sister. 
I associate you with Baja Fresh. Their salsa reminds me of you.


I am constantly, but silently, wishing that you were here to help me now. 


I knew I missed you. But i didn't realize just how much until I started writing. 


Things have been falling apart. My stability has been taken away. I don't remember how to maintain homeostasis. 


I've been forgotten by many people. Maybe it's intentional. I wouldn't be surprised. I can't tolerate me either. 


Everyone is growing up and moving on. I have the taste of what's to come staining my lips, but that's all that's present. I have no proof, nothing tangible to cling to. Everyone grows up. That includes me. Things change, people move on, move away. 


I should be used to it by now. Seeing that L blocked me from facebook. I'm not even sure why. It's been years since I've talked to her. But I have to admit, it hurts. 


It makes me wonder what's going to happen with V when she goes to college. She promises me the future, but so did so many others. And they haven't stayed constant. 


It often still scares me. To think that A is gone and never truly coming back. Yeah, he visits. But we won't ever live together. 


On top of that, what if A and I actually make it? Can I tolerate being a military wife? Raising our children by myself. I always thought I could, but facing the harsh reality of not having the grace of the computer to help me communicate gave me a taste of what it could be like. 


I know I'm strong. 
But I don't think I'm that strong. 


Actually, I take that back. I'm not strong. I need you to be strong for me. 


Yours until the pigs fly, 
Alessondra Marie