days like this, i want to destroy something.
something of value.
something greatly cherished, or expensive.
days like this, i want to pretend i'm five, just to throw a tantrum.
in the middle of the store in front of everyone.
in the middle of my bedroom, with no audience at all.
you all drive me crazy.
m, m, a, a, d, v, t, e, s, p, y.
g, n, l.
even the goddamn cat.
just go away, will you?
let me throw my tantrum in peace.
let me be a child.
don't make me be the strong one.
i don't want to be the strong one.
i am not strong.
i am weak, and fragile.
i can break at any moment.
shatter, like the mirror that soon will be destroyed.
leave me alone.
i'm not what you want.
nor what you need.
i've never been that.
don't place me on a pedestal.
i am a raging lunatic at my best.
at my worst?
i am this.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Window's Breaking
listening to the sounds of my body soothes me.
the constant breathing, the shutter sound of blinking, my fingers tapping on the keyboard,
trying to figure out what to say.
steadfast.
i started to diet.
the amount of creamer i put in my coffee is counterproductive.
it's impossible to get everything you want.
there's so many different things to say.
some of the things might offend you.
but i'm not supposed to censor my blog.
it's mine. it's my feelings.
it's my diary.
i feel like a puzzle.
with only one piece missing to make me whole.
but that one piece is lost.
gone.
no where to be found.
i have everything figured out accept for the one thing.
the problem is, i don't even know what that one thing is.
so i apologize for being vague.
and for some of you, i apologize for being too frank.
but i don't know what the hell is missing.
maybe i need your validation and approval.
maybe i'll find peace in vanity.
and maybe,
just maybe,
my solitude can be found somewhere within the gnawing sounds of my fingertips spewing out something even more selfish than the last thing they said.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie
the constant breathing, the shutter sound of blinking, my fingers tapping on the keyboard,
trying to figure out what to say.
steadfast.
i started to diet.
the amount of creamer i put in my coffee is counterproductive.
it's impossible to get everything you want.
there's so many different things to say.
some of the things might offend you.
but i'm not supposed to censor my blog.
it's mine. it's my feelings.
it's my diary.
i feel like a puzzle.
with only one piece missing to make me whole.
but that one piece is lost.
gone.
no where to be found.
i have everything figured out accept for the one thing.
the problem is, i don't even know what that one thing is.
so i apologize for being vague.
and for some of you, i apologize for being too frank.
but i don't know what the hell is missing.
maybe i need your validation and approval.
maybe i'll find peace in vanity.
and maybe,
just maybe,
my solitude can be found somewhere within the gnawing sounds of my fingertips spewing out something even more selfish than the last thing they said.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie
Monday, September 12, 2011
Be Peaceful and Untroubled.
god grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change;
courage to change the things i can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie
to accept the things i cannot change;
courage to change the things i can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie
I Have To Remind You...
there was nothing normal about that day.
i got out of bed, went to brush my teeth like i did every morning. my brother was already out of bed and in the kitchen watching ABC 7 news. i heard some of the dialogue that took place between my brother and my mother.
"what movie is that? they have really good graphics."
"you know andrew, i don't think that's a movie. i think this is actually happening."
then my brother called me out of the bathroom to watch it with him. as my brother and i sat and watched the second plane crash into the second tower over and over again, my mom called my dad at the firehouse, and begged him to come home. of course he didn't.
"steph, i can't. you have to understand. i am not allowed to."
"no, you have to. you could die."
my brother and i slowly walked into our rooms, in complete disbelief. i was convinced i was going to die. that we were next. i was just waiting, literally, for the bomb to drop. in a desperate act to console myself, i insisted on bringing sally, my favorite stuffed bunny, to school.
the school day started with an assembly. i remember what my principle said to us as if it were yesterday that she said it.
"you guys have nothing to worry about. you're safe here. whats going on isn't happening here. it's happening really far away. nothing bad will happen to you guys. i promise. i know you're all scared and don't completely understand; but that's okay. i'm scared too. but if we stick together, we'll get through this."
as her words of safety sunk into my mind, i felt protected. shortly after that i realized that as i was safe in dublin, california, there were kids my age that were just as afraid as i was. but they had reason to be because it was actually happening to them.
when we got back to the classroom, our teacher did the unthinkable; something completely unacceptable in a public school.
she had us pray.
as i grabbed my neighbors hand, for just one moment, my six year old brain wrapped around the idea that i was living through history. i realized that i was apart of something that would be taught to first graders just like me for years to come. and as quickly as the idea came, it left.
the rest of the day consisted of movies and games.
i went home, just to realize my mom and my neighbor's mom decided we weren't allowed to play outside. i remember stomping outside on the cement border between our houses, pouting about how it wasn't fair. i stood there trying to recompose myself, and as i did i looked around outside. the sky was overcast but it was hot and humid. suddenly i got goosebumps. i was terrified.
it was as if the earth was mourning the loss of the lives too.
my neighbor went back to her house; i went back to mine. my brother and i played video games the rest of the night.
you see, i don't want to forget what happened.
even though that day caused my irrational fear of flying.
even though it scared me.
even though it made me realize what kind of hate the people of this world are capable of.
i don't want to ever forget.
i don't want to forget what my fellow americans did for one another. i don't want to forget that firefighter and police men ran into an obviously fatal situation to save as many people as possible. they demonstrated selflessness. i don't want to forget the families that lost loved ones. i don't want to forget that people lost their mothers, fathers, children. i don't want to forget the thousands of heroic deaths that happened.
if i do; if my six year old memory doesn't serve me right and i forget that day ten years ago, then what will stop you from forgetting? and if you forget, then all those deaths will be in vain.
i don't want this to become another holiday where we hardly think about what happened many years ago. i don't want teachers to teach their children with a buffered curriculum because it might scare the kids. they need to know the reality of what happened on September 11, 2001.
i want to commemorate those that lost their families, friends, and lives because of what happened ten years ago today. but i can't even find the words to describe the magnitude of what happened. i don't know how to explain how the terrorist attack affected my six year old life. but that's not the only thing it impacted, our personal lives, it changed the very fabrics of reality. it set a new standard of human cruelty.
i don't want to hate those that did this to us. i feel sorry for them. i pity them. i hope god has mercy on all of their souls. there is no justification for what they did. they attacked innocent people. they took countless lives. they tried to disrupt and destruct our country. but instead of us individually falling down and turning against each other, we fell down together; as a country. we are the United States of America. we are united. so we got back up together; as a country.
for this strength and demonstration of selflessness, i am proud to be an american.
i pray for mercy on every last soul that was lost on that day.
i pray for peace; may nothing like this happen again.
i pray for grace; bless everyone involved.
sincerely,
alessondra marie
i got out of bed, went to brush my teeth like i did every morning. my brother was already out of bed and in the kitchen watching ABC 7 news. i heard some of the dialogue that took place between my brother and my mother.
"what movie is that? they have really good graphics."
"you know andrew, i don't think that's a movie. i think this is actually happening."
then my brother called me out of the bathroom to watch it with him. as my brother and i sat and watched the second plane crash into the second tower over and over again, my mom called my dad at the firehouse, and begged him to come home. of course he didn't.
"steph, i can't. you have to understand. i am not allowed to."
"no, you have to. you could die."
my brother and i slowly walked into our rooms, in complete disbelief. i was convinced i was going to die. that we were next. i was just waiting, literally, for the bomb to drop. in a desperate act to console myself, i insisted on bringing sally, my favorite stuffed bunny, to school.
the school day started with an assembly. i remember what my principle said to us as if it were yesterday that she said it.
"you guys have nothing to worry about. you're safe here. whats going on isn't happening here. it's happening really far away. nothing bad will happen to you guys. i promise. i know you're all scared and don't completely understand; but that's okay. i'm scared too. but if we stick together, we'll get through this."
as her words of safety sunk into my mind, i felt protected. shortly after that i realized that as i was safe in dublin, california, there were kids my age that were just as afraid as i was. but they had reason to be because it was actually happening to them.
when we got back to the classroom, our teacher did the unthinkable; something completely unacceptable in a public school.
she had us pray.
as i grabbed my neighbors hand, for just one moment, my six year old brain wrapped around the idea that i was living through history. i realized that i was apart of something that would be taught to first graders just like me for years to come. and as quickly as the idea came, it left.
the rest of the day consisted of movies and games.
i went home, just to realize my mom and my neighbor's mom decided we weren't allowed to play outside. i remember stomping outside on the cement border between our houses, pouting about how it wasn't fair. i stood there trying to recompose myself, and as i did i looked around outside. the sky was overcast but it was hot and humid. suddenly i got goosebumps. i was terrified.
it was as if the earth was mourning the loss of the lives too.
my neighbor went back to her house; i went back to mine. my brother and i played video games the rest of the night.
you see, i don't want to forget what happened.
even though that day caused my irrational fear of flying.
even though it scared me.
even though it made me realize what kind of hate the people of this world are capable of.
i don't want to ever forget.
i don't want to forget what my fellow americans did for one another. i don't want to forget that firefighter and police men ran into an obviously fatal situation to save as many people as possible. they demonstrated selflessness. i don't want to forget the families that lost loved ones. i don't want to forget that people lost their mothers, fathers, children. i don't want to forget the thousands of heroic deaths that happened.
if i do; if my six year old memory doesn't serve me right and i forget that day ten years ago, then what will stop you from forgetting? and if you forget, then all those deaths will be in vain.
i don't want this to become another holiday where we hardly think about what happened many years ago. i don't want teachers to teach their children with a buffered curriculum because it might scare the kids. they need to know the reality of what happened on September 11, 2001.
i want to commemorate those that lost their families, friends, and lives because of what happened ten years ago today. but i can't even find the words to describe the magnitude of what happened. i don't know how to explain how the terrorist attack affected my six year old life. but that's not the only thing it impacted, our personal lives, it changed the very fabrics of reality. it set a new standard of human cruelty.
i don't want to hate those that did this to us. i feel sorry for them. i pity them. i hope god has mercy on all of their souls. there is no justification for what they did. they attacked innocent people. they took countless lives. they tried to disrupt and destruct our country. but instead of us individually falling down and turning against each other, we fell down together; as a country. we are the United States of America. we are united. so we got back up together; as a country.
for this strength and demonstration of selflessness, i am proud to be an american.
i pray for mercy on every last soul that was lost on that day.
i pray for peace; may nothing like this happen again.
i pray for grace; bless everyone involved.
sincerely,
alessondra marie
Friday, September 9, 2011
Less Than Forty Winks.
i wake up.
i look above my bed covers that stack a mile high to see the sun kissing me through shut blinds.
i throw a pillow over my head.
it reminds me of my fear of suffocating.
i choose the lesser of the two evils.
i roll back over, blow my nose, fall back asleep.
i wake up.
i wait for your shadowy figure to come around the dark corner and emerge into my room.
i wait for you to wrap your long arms around me and make me feel better.
i wait for you to at least call.
you don't show up.
i roll back over, blow my nose, fall back asleep.
i wake up.
and although sleep continues to tug my eyelids closed, i stay awake.
i turn on an animated box that is too loud.
i open up another that is too bright.
i take care of my daily routine.
my body moves rigidly.
my hands are stiff from sleep.
i roll back over, blow my nose, but i can't find myself to drift into the land of nod.
with nothing left to do, i decide to plea my case.
i have a desire to know my kin.
i compair the reasons why i should to the reasons why i shouldn't.
god knows there are reasons why i shouldn't.
but a clay wall has been dried before i can finish.
there is no shaping the outcome to my liking.
all i see is red before he speaks his piece.
i think his explanations are futile.
an inappropriate laugh bubbles up inside of me.
but i push it down when i see his eleven lines appear.
what have i got to lose anyway?
apparently my life.
comical relief.
it's blissful.
the moon licks the edge of my shutters now.
i climb back into my crisp white sheets and look for something to satisfy me.
my efforts are meek.
but i find one thing.
"You'll learn for yourself how life goes"
i roll back over, blow my nose, and fall asleep.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie.
i look above my bed covers that stack a mile high to see the sun kissing me through shut blinds.
i throw a pillow over my head.
it reminds me of my fear of suffocating.
i choose the lesser of the two evils.
i roll back over, blow my nose, fall back asleep.
i wake up.
i wait for your shadowy figure to come around the dark corner and emerge into my room.
i wait for you to wrap your long arms around me and make me feel better.
i wait for you to at least call.
you don't show up.
i roll back over, blow my nose, fall back asleep.
i wake up.
and although sleep continues to tug my eyelids closed, i stay awake.
i turn on an animated box that is too loud.
i open up another that is too bright.
i take care of my daily routine.
my body moves rigidly.
my hands are stiff from sleep.
i roll back over, blow my nose, but i can't find myself to drift into the land of nod.
with nothing left to do, i decide to plea my case.
i have a desire to know my kin.
i compair the reasons why i should to the reasons why i shouldn't.
god knows there are reasons why i shouldn't.
but a clay wall has been dried before i can finish.
there is no shaping the outcome to my liking.
all i see is red before he speaks his piece.
i think his explanations are futile.
an inappropriate laugh bubbles up inside of me.
but i push it down when i see his eleven lines appear.
what have i got to lose anyway?
apparently my life.
comical relief.
it's blissful.
the moon licks the edge of my shutters now.
i climb back into my crisp white sheets and look for something to satisfy me.
my efforts are meek.
but i find one thing.
"You'll learn for yourself how life goes"
i roll back over, blow my nose, and fall asleep.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Once Upon A Time...
there lived a girl that had books scattered across her room.
she frivolously searched for a story that would distract her from the elaborate novel god created with her name.
no matter how many books she read, how many stories she put herself in, or how many times she tried to escape, her hunger would not be satisfied.
she was consistently romanced by these novels.
they knew how to entice her.
entrance her.
connect to her.
the books had a predetermined destination.
she knew it would end.
she know it would end happy.
in these books:
the heroine always knew what to say and when to say it.
the heroine always knew how to handle a situation.
the heroine always got to the other side.
when things seem desperate and when they seem defeated, there would still be another 100 pages left.
so the girl knew that things wouldn't be close to finished.
she knew that things would get better.
books were tangible to her.
but she didn't have a book to represent her life.
she never knew how many pages were left.
she never knew if there would be an upside.
she never knew how to say the right things.
she didn't know how to be strong like the heroines she read of.
but she can try.
she needs to try.
she will try.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie
she frivolously searched for a story that would distract her from the elaborate novel god created with her name.
no matter how many books she read, how many stories she put herself in, or how many times she tried to escape, her hunger would not be satisfied.
she was consistently romanced by these novels.
they knew how to entice her.
entrance her.
connect to her.
the books had a predetermined destination.
she knew it would end.
she know it would end happy.
in these books:
the heroine always knew what to say and when to say it.
the heroine always knew how to handle a situation.
the heroine always got to the other side.
when things seem desperate and when they seem defeated, there would still be another 100 pages left.
so the girl knew that things wouldn't be close to finished.
she knew that things would get better.
books were tangible to her.
but she didn't have a book to represent her life.
she never knew how many pages were left.
she never knew if there would be an upside.
she never knew how to say the right things.
she didn't know how to be strong like the heroines she read of.
but she can try.
she needs to try.
she will try.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie
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