My Heart Breaks With Yours.

i've failed to communicate my availability. 

it's frustrating; i want to scream in their faces

"i'm right here. all for you.

i'm here for you." 

but it'd be insensitive to yell. 

perhaps it's insensitivity that will convince them that i am here. 

i feel like god with all the power.

but yet i feel so helpless because i don't know how to convey that i can help. 

i watch you suffer, and i have no idea what to say.

i feel responsible to fix it. 

i feel responsible to fix you.

but i don't know how.

i just know how to love you.

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie.

I Think I See A Rainbow.

i often get so caught up in the everyday drama's that i forget the good that has happened in my life.

the joy and redemption that has taken place in my life isn't a thing of the past. 

i am saved from myself on a daily basis. 

looking at who i was i realize i was beyond redemption, and yet i got it anyway. 

i cursed my family, my friends, my god. 

i was so hurt, i wanted someone to be punished for what i'd been through.

so i punished myself. 

but when you become desperate, you'll cling to anything. 

i had a glimmer of a hope dangled before me, and i was fortunate enough to cling to that instead of something else superficial. 

i could have gone from destructive to destroyed. 

but i went from destroyed to redeemed. 

i forget this all the time.

but i have a good friend that reminds me about my hope and future. 

i've been through the darkness, and i don't need to again.

all the mistakes i make, you make, we make, are forgiven and forgotten by the one that matters. 

it holds no volume in his eyes. 

we can't make a mistake big enough for him to turn his back on us. 

it's impossible. 

and although we go through life, eager to point out mistakes in ourselves and others, it ultimately does not matter. 

we're redeemed through him.

so all the mishaps that have been going on in my life are irrelevant. 

they hurt and they suck.

but that's the end of the sob story. 

"i know that whatever you're going through is the dark before the dawn and that your life is a continuous story of redemption."

i needed someone to smack me across the head to remind me. 

so i figured you might too. 

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie

After The Storm.

my longing and desire to go to london has not yet subsided. 

i thought perhaps it was a phase; something short lived.

but the more i hide from my american culture and submerge myself into british culture,

the more i long to leave here and go there. 

i just want to run away from my mediocre american teenager issues. 

especially because they're no longer childish.

none of my problems derive from lack of maturity.

it all comes from growing up too fast. 

i want to run away.

but i know i can't do that. 

i want to fix it.

but i know i can't do that either.

so now i feel useless. 

i have an insufficient purpose. 

hell, i have to have a purpose in order for my purpose to be insufficient.

"night has always pushed up day

you must know life to see decay

but i won't rot, i won't rot

not this mind and not this heart,

i won't rot."

-M&S

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie

Fictional Stories.

I read it and i felt my face turn numb. 


positive? 
positive. 


you are?
yeah.
fuck.


i saw everything our friendship had built up to be crumble down and reconstruct itself in an instant.
the way i saw things go, the plans we fantasized.
it all all melted away.


beyond that, her life, the shinning star she planned on being, suddenly became out of reach.
all her hard work, all the effort she's made to satisfy everyone else became useless. 


the one thing she had to make herself happy became the one thing that truly turned around and bit her in the ass.


a moment of trust.
it changed her life.


she'll have a lifetime of regrets. 
or a subconscious constantly denying reality.


she doesn't have the brain capacity to not go into denial. 
i don't think any of us do. 


this is not real.


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie. 

The Cave.

"I will hold on to hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand


So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say


Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be"



amen. 


thank you Mumford & Sons.


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

I'm Happy

i feel like i've finally fallen into a routine. 


i don't even mind how much back and forth there is. 
i'd drive between our towns a million times if it meant we could all be together one last time. 


i'm finally not third wheelin' it. 
it gets exhausting trying to fit in. 


it's nice to not be alone. 


i can't believe it. 
i'm not alone. 


it's pathetic really. 
T thought i was a non-sexual being. 
it finally became real to him.
i am officially a girl in his eyes. 


yay.


i just thought you deserved a post.
even though there was really nothing to say. 


yours until the pigs fly, 
alessondra marie

Nine Years Ago Today, He Flew By.

2002 was a year of shit. 


a Queen died.
there was an oil spill. 
dwarfed planets were discovered. 
the No Child Left Behind Act, was signed and passed by President Bush Jr.
a journalist was killed.
churches were besieged.

wars began.
our country was desperate to recover from 9-11.

and although i remember those things happening, that's not what i think of when the year 2002 comes up in conversation.
i think of my 16 year-old neighbor. 


i remember how surreal it was when mom came out into the dinning room, completely drenched from her shower.
my seven-year-old self saw the ghost in her eyes. 


"tony died."


the next few minutes happened in slow motion. 
andrew took off his computer headphones.
we both slid out of our chairs. 


dead? no one had ever died before.
we didn't know anyone that was dead. 


that was so absolute. 
i'd never see him again. 


from then on, my memory of my beloved neighbor and near brother was completely clouded and replaced with memories of his death. 


i don't remember much about him. 
just that he'd call me Alimony. 
he'd sing to me. 


the last time i saw him he was working on his dirt bike. 
andrew and i had just gotten into an argument, so i was going to their house to calm down and play with brittany.
i walked up to the driveway, stopped next to tony and his dirt bike. 


"hey tony."
"hey alimony. whats up? you okay?" 
"yeah, andrew was being mean to me." 
"oh, i'm sorry. you should go back home and beat him up or something."
"nah, i just want to play with britt." 
"alright kiddo." 


he kissed my head and ruffled my hair, and walked back into the garage.


and i never saw him again. 


i have very few vivid memories of him. 
i remember him learning how to drive.
i remember him doing his homework at my house. 
i remember him coming home from work, and janice yelling at him to get into the shower because he was dirty. 


but that's about it. 


i trust that tony is being taken care of.
i know that tony is in heaven praying for us. 
i know tony's proud of me. 


"so when you look up, up to the sky
i hope you gave a wave and a kiss as i flew by."


i love and miss you tony, 
alessondra marie

Could You Point Me To The Closest Nunnery?

it's difficult to write an elaborate piece when i don't have any emotions to fuel the ideas. 


i've been tired. 
and i don't just mean physically. 


despite the drowsy and weary feelings, i have decided i'm not going to dance with the monster. 
not that i was before, but i finally made the commitment not to. 
it makes me feel like i've actually decided something. 
i watch other people phony their way through church, and i'd hate to be a hypocrite.
when someone tells me what they're up to and that's their answer, it hurts me. 
i don't want to disappoint my best friend the way i've been disappointed by others. 


it seems like everything else has been steering out of control. 
no one gives me the say i deserve, but yet it's me that will make the final decision. 


it makes me wonder if god is testing me.
does he do that anymore? 
would he allow that, knowing someone would get hurt? 


god, that's a twisted and cruel lesson.


maybe i should just run away. 
i could become a nun. 
then i wouldn't have to deal with an inconsistent perfection. 


yours until the pigs fly, 
alessondra marie

Not Even Taylor Swift Has Advice For Me

it's one of those moments where i've found myself at a loss for words.


there's nothing to describe the colors that have formed so clearly in my mind.


i feel like a stranger has overcome my body. 


it's introducing me to feelings i have forgotten. 


i want to feel torn, but feeling torn means i'd know what was right and what was wrong. 


i have no idea which way is up and which way is down. 


i'm lucky i know how to keep moving forward. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie