it's difficult to write an elaborate piece when i don't have any emotions to fuel the ideas.
i've been tired.
and i don't just mean physically.
despite the drowsy and weary feelings, i have decided i'm not going to dance with the monster.
not that i was before, but i finally made the commitment not to.
it makes me feel like i've actually decided something.
i watch other people phony their way through church, and i'd hate to be a hypocrite.
when someone tells me what they're up to and that's their answer, it hurts me.
i don't want to disappoint my best friend the way i've been disappointed by others.
it seems like everything else has been steering out of control.
no one gives me the say i deserve, but yet it's me that will make the final decision.
it makes me wonder if god is testing me.
does he do that anymore?
would he allow that, knowing someone would get hurt?
god, that's a twisted and cruel lesson.
maybe i should just run away.
i could become a nun.
then i wouldn't have to deal with an inconsistent perfection.
yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie
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