Nine Years Ago Today, He Flew By.

2002 was a year of shit. 


a Queen died.
there was an oil spill. 
dwarfed planets were discovered. 
the No Child Left Behind Act, was signed and passed by President Bush Jr.
a journalist was killed.
churches were besieged.

wars began.
our country was desperate to recover from 9-11.

and although i remember those things happening, that's not what i think of when the year 2002 comes up in conversation.
i think of my 16 year-old neighbor. 


i remember how surreal it was when mom came out into the dinning room, completely drenched from her shower.
my seven-year-old self saw the ghost in her eyes. 


"tony died."


the next few minutes happened in slow motion. 
andrew took off his computer headphones.
we both slid out of our chairs. 


dead? no one had ever died before.
we didn't know anyone that was dead. 


that was so absolute. 
i'd never see him again. 


from then on, my memory of my beloved neighbor and near brother was completely clouded and replaced with memories of his death. 


i don't remember much about him. 
just that he'd call me Alimony. 
he'd sing to me. 


the last time i saw him he was working on his dirt bike. 
andrew and i had just gotten into an argument, so i was going to their house to calm down and play with brittany.
i walked up to the driveway, stopped next to tony and his dirt bike. 


"hey tony."
"hey alimony. whats up? you okay?" 
"yeah, andrew was being mean to me." 
"oh, i'm sorry. you should go back home and beat him up or something."
"nah, i just want to play with britt." 
"alright kiddo." 


he kissed my head and ruffled my hair, and walked back into the garage.


and i never saw him again. 


i have very few vivid memories of him. 
i remember him learning how to drive.
i remember him doing his homework at my house. 
i remember him coming home from work, and janice yelling at him to get into the shower because he was dirty. 


but that's about it. 


i trust that tony is being taken care of.
i know that tony is in heaven praying for us. 
i know tony's proud of me. 


"so when you look up, up to the sky
i hope you gave a wave and a kiss as i flew by."


i love and miss you tony, 
alessondra marie

Could You Point Me To The Closest Nunnery?

it's difficult to write an elaborate piece when i don't have any emotions to fuel the ideas. 


i've been tired. 
and i don't just mean physically. 


despite the drowsy and weary feelings, i have decided i'm not going to dance with the monster. 
not that i was before, but i finally made the commitment not to. 
it makes me feel like i've actually decided something. 
i watch other people phony their way through church, and i'd hate to be a hypocrite.
when someone tells me what they're up to and that's their answer, it hurts me. 
i don't want to disappoint my best friend the way i've been disappointed by others. 


it seems like everything else has been steering out of control. 
no one gives me the say i deserve, but yet it's me that will make the final decision. 


it makes me wonder if god is testing me.
does he do that anymore? 
would he allow that, knowing someone would get hurt? 


god, that's a twisted and cruel lesson.


maybe i should just run away. 
i could become a nun. 
then i wouldn't have to deal with an inconsistent perfection. 


yours until the pigs fly, 
alessondra marie

Not Even Taylor Swift Has Advice For Me

it's one of those moments where i've found myself at a loss for words.


there's nothing to describe the colors that have formed so clearly in my mind.


i feel like a stranger has overcome my body. 


it's introducing me to feelings i have forgotten. 


i want to feel torn, but feeling torn means i'd know what was right and what was wrong. 


i have no idea which way is up and which way is down. 


i'm lucky i know how to keep moving forward. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

Unfortunately, I Fell Asleep During Service.

i've had a whole week to think about everything. 
and yet i have not found a solution.


what do i want from myself? 
i still have no idea. 


i do know that i don't care to be just another person.
i learned that i yearn to be "behind the scenes". 


i want the privileges and responsibilities of an adult.
but i learned that beyond that, i have a great desire to be trusted by the authority of any group i participate in. 


if i'm not, i'm miserable. 


i feel so torn between what should be and what could be. 


and so alas, i have a decision to make. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

Spring Cleaning

i'm supposed to clean house.


the symbolism is appropriate, but i just don't have the motivation.


what's the purpose?
to feel organized?
to finally get what i want?


it's funny how much this place represents me.


it's peachy and bright.
well lit.
many candles; it smells good.
and the mess is hiding behind closed drawers.


the insanity that i live in is covered and out of sight.


i want to cut my hair.
loose weight.
go somewhere else.


i want to try those new things.


please introduce me to the monster i'm supposed to be afraid of.
i welcome that growth gladly.


maybe a week in paradise will change my needs and desires.


i'm part of an outstanding battle with an assortment of birds on either shoulder of mine.


so much change in my stable life has brought about an un-welcomed fear.


the fear of man.
but yet it introduces me to the desire of meeting people.


please be the forerunner in my life and illustrate the path for me.


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

I Will Not Blame God

i apologize for the upsetting posts lately. 

i've been going through so much in such a short amount of time. 

i felt like no one was listening.

it was like no one cared. 

but in reality, it was just selfishness getting in the way of his judgment, 

and too much consideration on her part.

i have a good best friend. 

but i don't know how she could manage to wear my brothers shoes. 

i have this feeling of panic. 

the mere fact that i won't have the benefit of his opinion terrifies me. 

i won't have access to his advice. 

but i will psych myself out and be strong. 

that's what i've become accustomed to. 

i'm sad, scared, and i've gained weight. 

but i refuse to be angry.

no one has done me wrong.

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie

Poise And Composure

everything bad that's happened to me has started here. 


i walk down these halls and remember the life changing events that took place in this house. my whole life changed here. 


my best friend's soul was slain. and not just by anyone, but the one person i was supposed to always believe in. 


every turn i take in this house is a reminder of what could have been. 
it reminds me of who i was when i had her in my life. 


and now here i am, years later, walking about this house with poise.


my brother is shipping off to basic training and it's finally hitting me. 


and all of a sudden, my composure is gone.
i am lost. 


i remember what happened here all those years ago. i remember the mistakes i made. the things he did. the things she said. 
her face.


but instead of reassurance all i heard was about her. 
how things are not going to change.
and a phone call that would happen. 


my brother is leaving. 
my friends are dwindling down by the days. 
all i want is you here. 
and you can't even make time for me.


but god forbid you don't call her.


no one asks how i'm doing. 
at least no one that truly matters. 


no one bothers to ask what's wrong.
maybe you're trying to be considerate because you know why.
or maybe no one cares.


regardless
i'm hurt.
i'm sad.
and i'm terrified. 


and no one even gives me an iota of the attention i seek. 
call me needy, but i'm losing my best friend on monday. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie