Unfortunately, I Fell Asleep During Service.

i've had a whole week to think about everything. 
and yet i have not found a solution.


what do i want from myself? 
i still have no idea. 


i do know that i don't care to be just another person.
i learned that i yearn to be "behind the scenes". 


i want the privileges and responsibilities of an adult.
but i learned that beyond that, i have a great desire to be trusted by the authority of any group i participate in. 


if i'm not, i'm miserable. 


i feel so torn between what should be and what could be. 


and so alas, i have a decision to make. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

Spring Cleaning

i'm supposed to clean house.


the symbolism is appropriate, but i just don't have the motivation.


what's the purpose?
to feel organized?
to finally get what i want?


it's funny how much this place represents me.


it's peachy and bright.
well lit.
many candles; it smells good.
and the mess is hiding behind closed drawers.


the insanity that i live in is covered and out of sight.


i want to cut my hair.
loose weight.
go somewhere else.


i want to try those new things.


please introduce me to the monster i'm supposed to be afraid of.
i welcome that growth gladly.


maybe a week in paradise will change my needs and desires.


i'm part of an outstanding battle with an assortment of birds on either shoulder of mine.


so much change in my stable life has brought about an un-welcomed fear.


the fear of man.
but yet it introduces me to the desire of meeting people.


please be the forerunner in my life and illustrate the path for me.


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

I Will Not Blame God

i apologize for the upsetting posts lately. 

i've been going through so much in such a short amount of time. 

i felt like no one was listening.

it was like no one cared. 

but in reality, it was just selfishness getting in the way of his judgment, 

and too much consideration on her part.

i have a good best friend. 

but i don't know how she could manage to wear my brothers shoes. 

i have this feeling of panic. 

the mere fact that i won't have the benefit of his opinion terrifies me. 

i won't have access to his advice. 

but i will psych myself out and be strong. 

that's what i've become accustomed to. 

i'm sad, scared, and i've gained weight. 

but i refuse to be angry.

no one has done me wrong.

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie

Poise And Composure

everything bad that's happened to me has started here. 


i walk down these halls and remember the life changing events that took place in this house. my whole life changed here. 


my best friend's soul was slain. and not just by anyone, but the one person i was supposed to always believe in. 


every turn i take in this house is a reminder of what could have been. 
it reminds me of who i was when i had her in my life. 


and now here i am, years later, walking about this house with poise.


my brother is shipping off to basic training and it's finally hitting me. 


and all of a sudden, my composure is gone.
i am lost. 


i remember what happened here all those years ago. i remember the mistakes i made. the things he did. the things she said. 
her face.


but instead of reassurance all i heard was about her. 
how things are not going to change.
and a phone call that would happen. 


my brother is leaving. 
my friends are dwindling down by the days. 
all i want is you here. 
and you can't even make time for me.


but god forbid you don't call her.


no one asks how i'm doing. 
at least no one that truly matters. 


no one bothers to ask what's wrong.
maybe you're trying to be considerate because you know why.
or maybe no one cares.


regardless
i'm hurt.
i'm sad.
and i'm terrified. 


and no one even gives me an iota of the attention i seek. 
call me needy, but i'm losing my best friend on monday. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

Jane's Childhood Would Never End

i've started writing many different posts in the past days (weeks). but every time i started one, i found i couldn't finish it. so many different happenings have been going on. i decided i couldn't humble (or humiliate) myself and publish all the things i've been internalizing. 

it's been one of those weeks where i wish i had an alias. 

i'd be a redhead. 

about 5'1.

110 pounds. 

british. 

my name would be jane. 

perhaps i'd be a single child. 

spoiled, but not rotten. 

everyone would want to be my friend. 

boys would be putty in my hands. 

but i would never abuse it. 

while i'm day dreaming, i might as well make it a fantasy. 

magic would be real. 

dreams would come true. 

and bad things wouldn't happen. 

my story would go on forever. 

happy or tragic.
it'd have no ending.

my life would be steadfast.
it would never cease. 

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie

Hobbits Have An Identity Of Their Own.

god made my story the way it is for a reason.

all the pain, suffering and self hatred i went through is justified because He had a plan for me. a plan that would show Him in the most glorious light possible. 

i’ve forgotten how much i depend on everyone around me. i depend on my friends. i depend on my family. i depend on everyone that i’m not supposed to depend on. 

i’ve grown an identity over the past three years. but it’s not one of my own. i’ve grown an identity influenced by the people I look up to.

and although i’ve also grown my own identity in Christ, that’s not the sole source of my character. 

and that is not the way it should be.

i was alone. and i was hurting. i was deteriorating into the media. i was overcome with my problems and didn’t give myself any room to grow.

but I saw visions of who i wanted to be. and I desired to know that person. 

i learned from the example people gave me. i looked up to those people, and turned to them for the answer.

but now God is stripping the most important people away from my life one by one. 

at first i felt uneasy and scared. but right now i feel nothing but peace and excitement. 

all i’ve wanted was an identity of my own. i want to be my own person, with my own dreams, hopes and desires. 

i want to do God’s will.

but i’ve been strapped down by fear, and i’ve thrived off other peoples dreams. 

but now God wants me to take a step into my dreams. He wants me to serve Him with all my strength. 

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie