A Lesson Learned

i used to play the game of life one of two ways. either i wouldn't play, or i'd play dirty.

some of the most important decisions of my existance were influenced not by passion, but by malice.

as i've grown and learned many different lessons, i've found a determination that doesn't derive from hurt, resentment, or spite.

i've found that my sweeter spirit comes from a place of deep desire, faith and hope. 

this road that i chose to travel wasn't a necessity. i could have avoided my angst. but i was too self-absorbed to understand that i had a choice in my behavior.

i was mean.
i was unappreciative. i was selfish. 
i wasn't me.

it damaged many people. 

i repeatedly wish i could go back in time and express my gratitude. 

there is no rewind button. i cannot take back my egomaniacal thoughts, actions, or comments.
all i can do is understand the damage i've created and hope that one day i can be forgiven.
and most importantly, i have to move on. 

yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

I Just Want You

i hate that feeling you get when you have a million things left to say to someone, but won't have the opportunity to say anything. 


insanity is a scary feeling. most say it's a sate of mind, but i believe it is also an emotion. it is a feeling. it is a feeling closely related to foolishness. 


i feel insane often. 


i try to do one thing, come across as something else, and be perceived as something altogether different. 


i feel insane right now. 


if any one consistently reads my blog, please note, i will write about many things. but the major times i feel inspired to write are when i am upset. if you don't like it, then don't read me. 


this is my journal. i tell it how things are in my life.


i'll tell you how i feel without expecting anything in return. 


i can listen too, though. but only if that's what you want.


i just want what you want.


yours until the pigs fly, 
alessondra marie

I Was Young

when i was younger, my life was a mess. adults constantly told me i had a good head on my shoulders, and i had a good understanding of who i was. i thought they were full of it. 

i had no idea who i was, nor did i realize what i could be. i had two sides of me. one very dark side, and one very light side. throughout sixth grade, each side shone equally. but as i got older, my heart became damaged. 

i fell into the chasm of darkness and kept falling... 

and falling... 

and falling.

do you ever find yourself doing something, then saying to your self, "i'll stop. this will be the last time. god, i promise i won't do this ever again." then the next night, it's the same story? that's how it was for me. but each time i said it, i meant it less and less. until finally one night i came to terms with what i was doing i stopped saying it.

but i didn't dare stop the cutting.

looking back, that's when i hit rock bottom. at the time, i felt like i was in control. little did i know what a slave i was. i was a servant to my secret. i was held captive by my addiction. i was a prisoner, and i was so ill that i didn't even notice.

but as soon as i hit rock bottom and lost everyone i held dear to my heart, things changed. and they transformed unexpectedly quick. at the time it felt like forever. but it wasn't. from the moment i fell flat on my face to the moment i asked for god felt like forever.

(i changed my prayer. i stopped praying for an old friend to come back, and finally asked for god to manifest in me) 

but looking back, it was only a 3 month period. and as soon as god came in, everything changed overnight.

one day i was her.

the next day i was me.

but that's how god works. when you're ready for him, and you're desperate enough for him, he'll move in a shake your world so fast, you won't even realize what he's doing.

hallelujah. 

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie

Little Things

it's curious when you lay facedown on your bed pleading for god, and instead your cat gets all close and personal. but maybe he has the solution. 


"please god, just show me..."
my cat gets up.
"please god, just be evident..."
my cat jumps off his scratching post.
"please god, just tell me what to do..."
my cat jumps on my bed.
"please god, just love me."
my cat climbs onto my pillow, practically suffocating me, starts purring, and won't stop rubbing against me. 


it was like god was in him, compelling him to love me.


either that, or my cat just got really lovey-dovey and i read into it wayyy too much. 


but when it all comes down, it doesn't matter why he got affectionate, what matters is that he did. and it made me feel loved. it made me feel like i belonged. with god, or with my cat, who really cares what i actually belonged to? it filled the infinite chasm. 


sometimes things happen that don't necessarily seem like god, but when they do, you can't help but wonder if it was him, just revealing himself to be in yet another form.


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

I Feel This

i have an inability to effectively express how i feel. i can successfully voice my thoughts, but when it comes to my feelings, i am unable to distinguish them through anger and frustration, and triumphantly convey them. 


the good lord knows that i love to voice my opinion. i have very strong beliefs, and i am not easily wavered. 


but the one thing that never fails to confuse everything i am comfortable with are my feelings. they turn on me. i have been painted into an absolutely hopeless slave. 


hate me. 
pity me.
hold a grudge against me. 


love me.
trust me.
please just forgive me.


self-love.
self-loath. 


hope.


me.
you.


us.


perhaps one day i can completely disclose how i truly feel. 
as for now, i'm not sure the world is entirely ready for the extensive spectrum of feelings i am capable of feeling. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

Failures Create Fear

i fear life. 
i fear death. 
i fear suffering. 
i fear commitment. 
i fear suffocation. 
i fear pain.
i even fear you. 


perhaps you should punish me for the lives i've influenced, the death once again bestowed upon me, and the suffering i have forced onto others. please punish me for the commitments i've broken, the traps i've constructed, and the pains i've made you feel. punish, do not forgive. 


i fear you will demolish my existance.


i am not worthy of this perfect love you have spoken of. it's been but a whisper in my ear; an idea you've planted in my head. it was a weak effort to save me from my mistakes. you cannot save me from myself. 


my world has uprooted my beliefs. they have constructed me into a conformer. i've learned to blame you for the mistakes and the pains in my life. 


fear for me; punish me. loath me; pity me. 
hate me, please; i do not deserve you.


you've spent thousands of years attempting to save me from the pain i have assembled. your efforts were meek. your child is still lost. 


i've been created into self destructing monster. your perfect love has not eliminated the fear. it has set a standard that i cannot keep up to. failure, after failure. i have not lived to your standards. i plant unrequited trusts into bonds that are almost as undeserving as i am. and then i blame you for their failures.


i am a hypocrite. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

Reflections

my dad and i were creating high school graduation announcements for my brother. (who is going into the air force this summer.) we were trying to find quotes and sayings to put onto it to try to set the mood of the announcement. 


for a short moment, i allowed my mind to wander. i began to think what i would want on my announcement. it certainly would be completely different from what my brother would want, that is for sure. 


but what has made a major impact on my life the way the military, and history has made on my brother's? 


as i've said before, i have an immense love for baking. but that'd be lame to have as a motto to remember my life as a teenager. anything that has to do with baking would be a little too cliche for my taste. 


i love music. i could always use a lyric from my favorite song. that'd be wonderful. but that wouldn't describe who i was, who i am, nor who i will be. 


but alas, i love to read and write. i can't write something of my own, that'd be odd. but my favorite author, he'd be someone wonderful to quote. 


oh, who is he? lewis carroll, of course. the father to non-sense literature. with every word my mind digests, my soul unlocks and transforms itself into something new. he inspires me to be better at everything i do.


so after my short, silent self analysis, i looked up to my dad and told him, "dad, when i graduate, i want a quote by lewis carroll to be on my graduation announcements." 


he nodded his head, and quickly got distracted by the air force emblem i was pasting onto the newly created template. 


yours until the pigs fly, 
alessondra marie

Dear Boy,

how does it feel to steal the heart of a thirteen-year-old girl? i wonder if it is a game fifteen-year-old gents' enjoy playing. unless of course you were sincere. if you weren't sincere, perhaps you should consider a job in professional acting. you made a damn fool out of me.

but then again, it was i that had an inability to express how i felt about you. perhaps it was all my fault our relationship failed. i learned to keep my feelings to myself, later realizing i built up a wall of resentment. i've been told it's a talent most adults have yet to conquer.

but why did i need to keep everything to myself? because i was raised to tip-toe around those that have hurt me? because i was afraid of hurting you? either way, i guess it doesn't matter; that thirteen-year-old-nobody isn't me anymore.

i have a temper just about as silent as a pistol. i cry like a dry riverbed during a hot summer. and i've been raised to know nothing about instability.

please boy, forgive me for my tongue. i know it's sharp. but if i have nothing else, i know i can rely on my sword. it's the only weapon i know how to affectively use. but i know you've mastered your double edged sword also, for you've slashed me with it plenty.

i'm sick of pretending my feelings went away. i'm tired of saying i don't care.

i do care. if i didn't care, i wouldn't hate you.

i wouldn't hate you if i didn't love you.

so i do care.

and i continually try to learn how to convey my feelings. it's not a talent that comes easily. i've tried several times with you. but you don't care. you just choose to leave.

each time, another part of me decays. each time, another part of me turns to stone.

boy, i've given you everything i have to offer. my time, my frequent flyer miles, my heart. does that not mean anything to you?

if it doesn't, you've changed.

but even if it did matter, i can't say i'd believe you.

i watch my brother and his own significant other fall in love. i watch them play, and laugh. i watch them cry, and fight. i listen to their frustration with one another. i watch their eyes turn dreamy. i hear their 'i love you's" everynight before bed. i watch their sorrow each time she leaves. as i silently watch, all i can think about is the day that things will  change. i remember how i felt. i wonder how they will feel. all the while, i wonder "what if?"

but i am confident that one day i'm going to look back on this and think about how silly i was. i'll be married to some brilliant man, and mock myself for thinking i was in love at such a premature age.

yours until the pigs fly,
(or not)
alessondra marie

Naked

i don't understand why being naked is so inappropriate. Christian’s have this modern idea that we shouldn't reveal ourselves to anyone until the night we lose our virginity. apparently, that night should also be our wedding night.

here's some theology for you; god made us. god made us naked. we didn’t feel the need to cover ourselves until we felt sin and shame.

so i prose a question: are those that can walk freely in their own skin shamelessly, and not lustfully, less of a sinner than you or i, who feels shame?

i ask for a simple reason. i wonder what it is like to be comfortable and righteously proud of your body. i have only ever felt shame in regards to my body.

i'm not ugly. and i'm not fat. but i'm not beautiful. and i'm not as skinny as i'd like.

i'm a christian, therefore i should feel no shame. the blood of jesus covers my sins. blah blah blah. but i'm also a teenage girl. and all we ever feel is shame.

i suppose my self loathing has something to do with the violations that have been against me and my body. that's what people tell me, anyway.

but what's your excuse? you have beautiful blue eyes, adorable curly brown hair, and a body girls day dream about all day long. your father is a pastor so you of all people should know that shame over the body is a direct result of a hurting heart. so why is your heart hurting?

yours until pigs fly,
alessondra marie

Sunrise

i woke up this morning with a mouth full of cat hair and my mother yelling at me to get up; it's cleaning day.

i took a minute to savor the moment with my darling cat, calvin.
"i don't want to clean today, cal." i told him.
"i don’t want a bath today, mommy." he replied.
"oh, but you're stinky. you need one, fatty."
he scowled at me and jumped down from my bed.
i apologized to his tail as he walked out of my room.

i finally decided i'd get my chores done quickly and efficiently. i was motivated. i took my ipod in hand, and pooper scooper in the other, and began my chores.

just as i hoped, i finished quite quickly. i had hours to kill.

i hopped into the shower, and told my friend i'd be right back. i silently wondered how often a friend of mine texted me naked, just as they were getting into the shower.

not often, i hope... talk about awkward.

finally i was on the road; my brother drove me to one of my favorite homework places.

starbucks is a wonderful establishment. so many interesting, and friendly coffee lovers walk in and out everyday. the employees are wonderfully energetic. but not so hyper they're annoying. just friendly.

it's such a great place. so much can be accomplished from this measly coffee house. you can make friends, do homework, and alas, you can blog.

coffee houses inspire me to write. they make me feel in power. strong. they make me feel like i belong. and that sense of belonging is what i thrive off of.

that sense of belonging is what i believe i will constantly feel in london.

Blast the music and allow yourself to absorb the sunrise. these days are limited from now until forever. a fire fighting man, or a young child picking their nose. they're all the same. a mother with twins, or a girl with long hair. they're all inspiring. they're all beautiful. they're all real.

i often come here and try to imagine what these strangers lives are like when they leave this establishment.

how many have a desire to leave this town and never come back, like i do? how many have ran away from their own homes, and landed right here in dublin? is this someone's safe haven, like i imagine london will be mine? what a wonderful thought. i hope someone has found happiness in this town. it'll make up for the pain it's caused me.

i suppose that isn't really the town's fault. it's the people. right? right.

back to homework; time to accomplish something.

yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie

Wish Me Luck

how do you start a blog? "hi! i'm ali! i'm 16 years old, and i want to go all over the world!"

yeah... uh. no.

but honestly, i do want to travel the world. my current internation destination of interest is london, england. it has been said i want to go there for one reason: the wonderful jamie campbell bower. however, i beg to differ. i suppose i can beg all i want, but i won't understand why i want to go there anymore than you will.

so lets try to understand this together. yes, jamie bower does live in london, and yes, it would be fantastic to meet him and trip and magically have my medicore lips land on his perfectly sculpted lips. but realisticly, that wont happen. and i can accept that.

so do tell, why am i suddenly so fascinated with one of the most important historical cities in the world? it beats me. however, this desire has been placed on my heart. and there isn't much i can do to stop it. so i suppose i should take it and thrive.

but how in the world will i get there? of course, by airplane. but what will be my means of money? ah, yes. babysitting. i guess that'll have to do. right? right.

and alas, that is why i have created this measly blog; to tell my woes and tales of how i got to london. it may not be exciting. i cant promise you anything. but the end result must be marvelous.

but here are a few things you should know about me:
1. i do not capitalize anything. i'm sorry if this bothers you.
2. i will always address you as if you are actually listening.
3. i will rant, and will probably say something offensive.
4. i get writers block easily, so forgive me for inconsistant posts.
5. i am probably the worst speller you will ever meet, but i do my best.
6. i believe in proper grammar, and constructive criticism.

please feel free to contact me, and let me know that someone is actually listening.

yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie