I Was Young

when i was younger, my life was a mess. adults constantly told me i had a good head on my shoulders, and i had a good understanding of who i was. i thought they were full of it. 

i had no idea who i was, nor did i realize what i could be. i had two sides of me. one very dark side, and one very light side. throughout sixth grade, each side shone equally. but as i got older, my heart became damaged. 

i fell into the chasm of darkness and kept falling... 

and falling... 

and falling.

do you ever find yourself doing something, then saying to your self, "i'll stop. this will be the last time. god, i promise i won't do this ever again." then the next night, it's the same story? that's how it was for me. but each time i said it, i meant it less and less. until finally one night i came to terms with what i was doing i stopped saying it.

but i didn't dare stop the cutting.

looking back, that's when i hit rock bottom. at the time, i felt like i was in control. little did i know what a slave i was. i was a servant to my secret. i was held captive by my addiction. i was a prisoner, and i was so ill that i didn't even notice.

but as soon as i hit rock bottom and lost everyone i held dear to my heart, things changed. and they transformed unexpectedly quick. at the time it felt like forever. but it wasn't. from the moment i fell flat on my face to the moment i asked for god felt like forever.

(i changed my prayer. i stopped praying for an old friend to come back, and finally asked for god to manifest in me) 

but looking back, it was only a 3 month period. and as soon as god came in, everything changed overnight.

one day i was her.

the next day i was me.

but that's how god works. when you're ready for him, and you're desperate enough for him, he'll move in a shake your world so fast, you won't even realize what he's doing.

hallelujah. 

yours until the pigs fly,

alessondra marie