Failures Create Fear

i fear life. 
i fear death. 
i fear suffering. 
i fear commitment. 
i fear suffocation. 
i fear pain.
i even fear you. 


perhaps you should punish me for the lives i've influenced, the death once again bestowed upon me, and the suffering i have forced onto others. please punish me for the commitments i've broken, the traps i've constructed, and the pains i've made you feel. punish, do not forgive. 


i fear you will demolish my existance.


i am not worthy of this perfect love you have spoken of. it's been but a whisper in my ear; an idea you've planted in my head. it was a weak effort to save me from my mistakes. you cannot save me from myself. 


my world has uprooted my beliefs. they have constructed me into a conformer. i've learned to blame you for the mistakes and the pains in my life. 


fear for me; punish me. loath me; pity me. 
hate me, please; i do not deserve you.


you've spent thousands of years attempting to save me from the pain i have assembled. your efforts were meek. your child is still lost. 


i've been created into self destructing monster. your perfect love has not eliminated the fear. it has set a standard that i cannot keep up to. failure, after failure. i have not lived to your standards. i plant unrequited trusts into bonds that are almost as undeserving as i am. and then i blame you for their failures.


i am a hypocrite. 


yours until the pigs fly,
alessondra marie